We all wear masks. They allow us to move through the world smoothly. It keeps us doing all the things that are expected of us within our families, jobs, and society. Most of us are similar to the masks we wear in public so it’s not that big of a stretch. Some of us create personas that have nothing to do with who we really are. In private, we could be the complete opposite of our masks. This is the realm of actors, charlatans, and people who let others tell them who they are.

I had a friend who called herself a chameleon. She would change almost everything about herself depending on who she was romantically involved with at the time. Depending on her partner’s preference, she would change how she spoke and dressed. It wasn’t just wearing things she thought he would like. It was completely changing her style of dress. She had everything from leather pants to tea-length floral dresses when I looked in her closet. Her shoes ranged from ballet flats to three-inch heels. She couldn’t go much taller than that, as she tended to date shorter men. My friend even admitted at one point that she didn’t know if she could remember who she was or used to be. It made me sad that she felt she needed to change everything about herself to get someone to accept her. I couldn’t understand why she did it and thought it was something I would never do. Later, I realized that we all do it to a certain degree. We do it to fit in, belong, and be accepted. What masks do you wear, and do you ever take them off?

Part of who we are and who we become is due to the masks we wear. The masks can often dictate our limits and determine the roles we are expected to play in society. If people are used to seeing us in certain roles, they have difficulty seeing us as anything else. We are like actors who can’t get different kinds of acting roles because everyone only sees one side of us. This happened to me when I was working in an after-school program. I would sometimes see the program kids at a store or at the mall, and they would be surprised to see me there. In their minds, I only existed in one place, at school. To see me somewhere else didn’t make sense. Of course, they knew I didn’t live at school, but when you’re used to seeing someone in a particular place, it becomes part of your pattern, and when something doesn’t fit the pattern, it throws everything off. The same thing is true with masks. If you normally wear the mask of the peacemaker, you will be expected to jump in to mediate when something happens, whether or not you want to. If you wear the mask of the problem-solver every time something goes awry, it will be your job to handle it, even if you don’t know what to do about it either. Masks come with expectations.

Some people wear the same mask their whole lives as they don’t know who else to be. Being themselves is too scary, too real. Often, we wear our masks for so long that we begin to believe that we are the mask.

Why do we allow ourselves to be contained by the masks we wear? They are comfortable and safe. We get to hide behind them and keep secrets such as blame, shame, or anything else someone might judge us for. We may prefer to wear a mask instead of being ourselves. Letting the mask drop, if only briefly, is terrifying for some people. Some of us walk through the world believing that our real selves are so horrible that it must be covered up. That the true nature of us should never be seen. Most of us are similar to everyone else. It’s a faulty belief that compels us to hide.

The real test of a mask comes when something in our life changes, such as a job or moving to a different city. The rules change depending on where you go or what you want to do, and the mask you have been used to wearing doesn’t work anymore. It takes time to build a new mask, and often, there isn’t much time to do that before we are forced to interact with people or our new environment. We fumble through it while others help us to create the mask we need to fit in. Sometimes, the changes we go through are internal. We mature, and we see the world differently. We have unexpected experiences that forever change our perception of life. When that happens, we expand. It means that the mask we have worn for so long no longer fits. It can no longer contain us, and we chafe against the constraints of it. As we progress, the mask we wear doesn’t work anymore and we’re left wondering what do we do now?

Think about who you are and who you want to be. Drop the mask when you can. No one can live without it all the time. It’s a convention of society that allows us to have some expectations of how we’re supposed to get along, but you don’t have to wear it all the time, and you shouldn’t. Allowing yourself to be you in all your glory is an acceptance of who you are and an acknowledgment that you are okay with being a work in progress with the rest of us. No one is perfect. Allow yourself to be perfect in your imperfections, and love yourself anyway. If you can do that, you will find the happiness that comes from spending less time hemmed in by the mask you wear.