Boundaries Part 3

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. You can visualize protective shields and set intentions all day long, but none of that matters if you can’t actually enforce boundaries with the people in your life who are used to you having none.

This is where most people get stuck. They understand boundaries intellectually. They can feel when their energy is being drained. They know something needs to change. But when it comes to actually saying no, setting a limit, or protecting their energy with someone they care about, they freeze. Or worse, they feel so guilty that they immediately take the boundary down.

I get it. It’s hard. It’s really hard, especially with people who’ve had unlimited access to you for years. But here’s what I’ve learned from doing this work: the discomfort of setting a boundary is temporary. The exhaustion of having no boundaries is permanent.

Why boundaries feel so wrong.

Most of us were raised with some version of the message that good people are always available. Good children don’t say no to their parents. Good partners anticipate and meet every need. Good friends drop everything to help. Good employees go above and beyond. Good people sacrifice themselves for others.

That’s not love. That’s martyrdom, and it doesn’t actually help anyone. When you operate without boundaries, you’re teaching people that your energy, time, and wellbeing don’t matter. You’re teaching them that they can take from you indefinitely and you’ll just keep giving. That’s not a healthy dynamic for anyone involved.

The guilt you feel when you try to set a boundary isn’t your conscience telling you that you’re doing something wrong. It’s conditioning. It’s the voice of every person who benefited from you having no limits. It’s the part of you that learned love equals self-sacrifice.

You need to recognize that guilt for what it is: an old program running, not truth. Your worth isn’t determined by how much you can give until you collapse. Your value isn’t measured by your ability to absorb other people’s chaos. You can be a good person and still have limits. In fact, you can only truly be a good person when you have limits, because without them, you’ll eventually burn out and have nothing left to give anyone, including yourself.

The pushback is real.

When you start setting boundaries with people who aren’t used to you having them, they will push back. Count on it. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re changing a system that worked in their favor, and change makes people uncomfortable.

The pushback can look different depending on the person. Some people will act confused or hurt. “Why are you being like this?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’ve changed.” Yes, you have changed. That’s the point.

Some will try guilt. “I thought you cared about me.” “Family is supposed to be there for each other.” “I would do this for you.” These statements are designed to make you feel bad enough to drop your boundaries and return to the old pattern.

Others will get angry. They might lash out, accuse you of being selfish, or threaten the relationship. “Fine, if you don’t have time for me, I guess we’re not really friends.” This is manipulation, plain and simple. A real friend, a real family member, anyone who genuinely cares about you will respect your limits even if they don’t like them.

Some people will test your boundaries repeatedly. They’ll push to see if you really mean it or if they can wear you down. This is where you have to stay consistent. Every time you enforce your boundary, you’re training both them and yourself. Every time you cave, you’re teaching them that your boundaries are negotiable.

How to actually set boundaries.

Setting energy boundaries isn’t just about visualization and intention. Those are important, but you also need to set actual, verbal boundaries in your relationships. You need to communicate your limits clearly and then stick to them.

Start with being clear about what you need. Not what they want, not what you think you should need, but what you actually need to maintain your energy and wellbeing. Do you need less frequent contact? Do you need to not discuss certain topics? Do you need them to stop calling at certain times? Get clear on your limits before you try to communicate them.

Then, state your boundary simply and directly. Don’t over-explain. Don’t apologize. Don’t leave room for negotiation. “I’m not available to talk every day. I can talk once a week on Sundays.” “I can’t take on your emotional overwhelm right now. I need to focus on my own wellbeing.” “I love you, but I need to leave this conversation because it’s becoming too intense for me.”

Notice that these statements are about you and your needs, not about judging them. You’re not saying they’re wrong for wanting more. You’re saying you’re not available to give more. That’s a huge difference.

When they push back, and they will, stay calm and repeat your boundary. “I understand you’re disappointed, and I’m not changing my decision.” “I hear that you’re upset. My boundary stands.” You don’t need to argue. You don’t need to prove your case. You just need to hold firm.

Practical Step Three: The Boundary Script

This week, you’re going to write out scripts for the boundaries you need to set. I know that sounds mechanical, but trust me, when you’re in the moment and someone’s pushing back, your brain will go blank. Having a script ready helps you stay grounded.

Look at your energy drain audit from the first post. Choose one or two relationships where you need to set a clear boundary. Write down exactly what you need to say. Keep it short. Make it about your needs, not their behavior. Don’t apologize for having limits.

Here’s the format: “I need [specific boundary]. This isn’t about you doing anything wrong. This is what I need to maintain my wellbeing. I hope you can understand and respect this.”

Practice saying these scripts out loud. Say them in front of a mirror if that helps. Get comfortable with the words. Role play with a trusted friend if you can. The more you practice, the easier it will be when you actually need to use it.

Then, choose one boundary to implement this week. Just one. Pick the one that feels most urgent or the relationship where you think you’ll get the least resistance. Set the boundary clearly. Then hold it, no matter what pushback you get.

What happens after you set a boundary.

The first time you set a real boundary, especially with someone close to you, it’s going to feel terrible. You’ll probably feel guilty, mean, selfish, and wrong. That’s normal. Do it anyway. The feeling will pass, I promise.

What you’ll notice over time is that healthy people adjust. They might not like your boundary at first, but they’ll respect it. They’ll adapt to the new dynamic. Honestly, your relationships with these people often improve because the dynamic becomes more balanced and sustainable.

Unhealthy people won’t adjust. They’ll keep pushing, keep testing, keep trying to make you feel bad for having limits. These are the people who were benefiting from your lack of boundaries. Pay attention to who these people are. That information is valuable.

Some relationships will end when you start setting boundaries, and that’s okay. Actually, that’s more than okay. That’s necessary. If a relationship can’t survive you having healthy limits, it wasn’t a healthy relationship to begin with. It was a dynamic where you gave and they took, and that’s not sustainable.

The relationships that matter will survive. They might go through an adjustment period, but they’ll come out stronger. Because now you’re showing up as your whole self, not as someone depleted and resentful. You’re giving from a full cup, not an empty one.

In the next post, we’ll talk about maintaining boundaries long-term and what to do when you slip up, because you will. Everyone does. Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. For now, write your scripts and set one boundary. That’s all you need to focus on this week.