On a conscious level, we all know that forgiving someone is about us, not them. Forgiving them doesn’t make it okay. The issue is that we often find it easier to hold a grudge. Even when we say things don’t bother us, it really does. We just prefer not to talk about it or dwell on it. In theory, it works. We can get through our day and do the things we need to do. However, the energy of holding that grudge is energy that is holding us in place. To move on, we do one of two things: leave a little of ourselves behind to continue to hold that grudge, or we carry it with us like an anchor for whatever we do in the future. Neither is a good solution.

Forgiveness is not only something we should grant others. It’s also something we often need to grant ourselves. We all know no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Some of our mistakes have been humongous, but that doesn’t mean we have to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives for them. Forgiving ourselves is just as important, if not more important, than forgiving others.

What do we do when forgiving someone is tough or, in some cases, nearly impossible? We have to keep trying. It’s crucial to our continued growth to remove as many obstacles as possible and release whatever is holding us back.

Most of us aren’t gracious enough to really forgive someone and let go of whatever hard feelings we may have. If you are that type of person, lucky you. It’s a skill I have yet to develop, and at my age, which I won’t mention, the likelihood of it developing now is probably slim to none, but let’s move on. If you are like me and the thought of forgiving someone has you gritting your teeth, try something I started to do recently, and it’s already making a difference in my energy. I will outline it here, hoping it may help you or someone you know.

Gratitude. This is the single greatest thing you can do for yourself. Be grateful for something every day, even if you only opened your eyes to another day. At the end of the day, I list what I accomplished. This is how to express gratitude in a simple way when you don’t have time for anything else. To let go of grudges and work on forgiveness, there is a simple way to reframe how we think about something to create positive energy from it.

Here’s how to do it. Whenever you think of a situation or a person you need to forgive, think about what happened and about what you learned from it. For example, You had a friend who betrayed you one too many times, and you are no longer friends. What did you learn from it? You might say, “To never trust anyone again.” In the long run, that won’t work. This is punishing yourself. Instead, you could say, “I learned that not everyone is worthy of my trust.” Working to balance the energy of the situation comes in with gratitude when you say, “Thank you, so and so, for showing me what false friendship looks like so I know what to look for in the future and for exiting my life to make room for a true friendship.”

This is acknowledging that you learned something – positive energy and that you are grateful for that wisdom – positive energy again. So, in essence, you are balancing the overall negative energy of a situation with a double whammy of positive. Be selfish in doing this. Focus solely on you. Think about what you learned and how you will use those lessons in the future to avoid making the same mistakes. Remember what you know to avoid allowing the same kinds of people into your life. Most of all, be grateful for the experience, knowing you won’t ever have to repeat it.

There are other methods to help with forgiveness, you could talk to an empty chair if you need to use your voice to express how you feel. You could write a letter then get rid of it. Don’t read it afterward; that would be like putting down a heavy weight and then picking it back up to carry it around again. Dispose of the letter in whatever manner you choose, shred it, burn it, or turn it into a paper boat in your bathtub that you destroy with a freak wave that causes it to sink into the depths, never to be seen again…until you drain the water. There are many other methods to help with forgiveness. Find the method that works for you and use it. Not for anyone else’s benefit but for yours.

Using gratitude to help you get through tough situations is a perfect way to redirect your thinking and your energy. Remember that energy flows where your attention goes. If all you do is dwell on the negative, that is where your energy is going and what you attract. Focus on the positive as much as you can, and that will direct your energy to something that can help you when forgiveness is tough.