We can’t help it. We’re human. We want what we want. Sometimes, we refuse to be diverted from it even when we know we should let it go. It could be due to stubbornness or the belief that if we hang on a little longer we’ll get what we want; patience is a virtue and all that. Let it go.

I had a client who was convinced that a person she had been seeing was her twin flame. If you’ve been keeping up, you know how I feel about this twin flame business. Anyway, I told her that he was not her twin flame but that she could be happy with him if they could work out their issues. She didn’t want to hear it and insisted that all the issues blocking a potential romantic relationship were all on his side.

Here is something important to note if you are in a relationship. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is, whether it’s personal or professional. If there are issues, it’s on both sides. No one comes into a relationship without their own baggage. To assume that it’s all one person’s fault is not fair or accurate. Alcoholics have enablers, and narcissists like to incite drama with those around them. Those are extreme cases, but if you put together Mr. doesn’t like to be pushed with Miss I have abandonment issues, that is a recipe for disaster. Miss Clingy will push Mr. Back Off, triggering his issues, which causes him to walk away from her, thus triggering her issue. Every couple has problems, but does this sound like a match made in Heaven?

Healthy relationships have balance. That doesn’t mean there aren’t disagreements, arguments and name-calling. It means that each gets what they need from the relationship, which benefits both. Each person strengthens the other. If you are in a relationship that doesn’t feed the best part of you, it’s not a healthy relationship. When someone tells you that they have observed that someone isn’t good for you, listen to that.

It doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. Free will is always in play. You are free to ignore what everyone tells you. Before you do, however, be mindful of the time, money, effort, and possibly time with the police you may use up before you figure it out and say, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

When we were younger, the connections we made, for the most part, were controlled by our circumstances. Where we lived, went to school, or attended church. It limited the pool of people we had around us. It was less complicated as we could, to a certain degree, anticipate what they were going to be like. As adults, we get to choose our connections and meet people we know nothing about. There are many decisions to be made about how we want our lives to be and what the people we surround ourselves is going to be like.

People often make the mistake of thinking that if someone tells them what they don’t want to hear, they have to make changes. Again, you don’t. It means that you are actively and consciously choosing what you want in your life. Many say don’t listen to the naysayers. I say listen to them, consider what they’re saying, and then decide. Whatever decision you make for your life, make it consciously.

If you follow the advice of the naysayers, what are the likely advantages and the pitfalls of that? If you are inclined to throw caution to the wind, what are the pros and cons of that choice? Either way, make a choice while understanding that you are then taking responsibility for that choice. That is really the point here. Many people want to do whatever they want and blame someone else if it goes wrong, like in the case of Miss Clingy pushing Mr. Back Off and getting upset when he walks away from her. Yes, Mr. Back Off could have communicated to Miss Clingy that he needed more breathing room in the relationship, but she could have also told him that she felt insecure with the distance he needed. They would have had to come up with a compromise that worked for both of them, but people deeply mired in their issues have a difficult time thinking beyond the boundaries of what they want and need. This is where the blame part comes in, the “if he would just deal with his issues, we would be fine.” If they want the relationship to become more than a friendship, both have to be willing to discuss those issues and help the other work through them. If one or neither is willing to do that, friendship is probably the safest level of intimacy they can maintain. This is what people often don’t want to hear.

They want to hear that the other person will get it together so they can live happily ever after. It’s a fairy tale. Don’t believe me? Ask someone who has been married a long time. They will tell you that it’s tough. Many compromises were made over the years and continue to be made daily. To be with that person, there are things that you are going to have to get over because they will never change. Again, these are the kinds of things that people don’t want to hear. They want to hear that they will get what they want and everything will be perfect.

Here’s what I say, be careful what you wish for.

Living in the energy of all that chaos is not good. It will affect everything. It can impact how well you sleep and how you feel and act. It emanates from your energy field, drawing in more chaos. It can affect your job, your finances, and your other relationships. It can and will work its way into every aspect of your life.

The best relationships are the ones where the energy is comfortable. It can also be calm and enjoyable. The energy leaves you feeling better and more enthusiastic. Time spent with those people makes you feel alive. It recharges you and makes you laugh at odd moments when you think back on time spent with that person. If your relationships don’t make you feel this way, why is that?

Remember that for most of us, true deep relationships are kept to less than ten people. For introverts, that may be down to less than five. The best relationships give us balance. My best friends are people who encourage me. They are my cheering section. They are also the ones who kick my butt when I’m doing something dumb. They are the energy I can hold onto when things get stressful, and I do the same for them. We talk about everything from world events to the antics of our pets. These are the people I have chosen to share my life with. Every person I meet who wants to step into my circle of friends has to meet the criteria set by those already there. If not, then not. I’m picky about who I let engage with my energy, and if you are conscious of the energy surrounding you, give this some thought.

We all have blind spots, and it’s helpful to have others who care enough about us to tell us when there’s something we’re not seeing. Take that information, examine it with as much fairness as possible, and decide what you will do with it. Take responsibility for yourself, your actions, and your choices, but do so with as much information as you can gather. Do that by listening to what you don’t want to hear.