After an eye-opening workshop on how to describe what I do, I felt confident that at some point, I’d be able to tell people more about my skills and abilities without bumbling my way through it. I went to bed thinking I would refine the descriptions I worked on until they were concise and easy for me to rattle off at a moment’s notice. In the morning, I had a word pop into my head that surprised me. It’s not uncommon for words, phrases, and images to be in my mind when I wake up. It’s often the thing that drives what I do that day. The word that came up is one that I don’t use and never connect with myself.

Persecution.

Everyone must know the meaning of the word by now, and if you don’t, please look it up. I like to think that acts of persecution don’t happen anymore. It is an act of history. The stuff we study, ponder, and indignantly wave our fists while saying, “Never again!” Except now that I think about it, persecution continues under different labels such as discrimination and bullying. The basis for all of it is being “different.”

It strikes me that no matter how good a person you are, there is someone somewhere who will hate you for any number of reasons, the least of which is how good you are. Although, some will hate you for that too. I fried my brain over the thought that someone will always think badly of you no matter what you do.

The difficulty with this is that humans want to be (need to be) liked. We want to be included. Even the most committed introvert (raising my hand) wants to be a part of something.

The other word I’ve heard is marginalized – keeping people in their margins. Stay in your lane. Yet most of the people we revere are those who have refused to do that. We admire risk-takers, people who make bold statements, etc. But we forget that those who choose to stand out also become targets. Strangers will walk up to them in the street and say things they have no business saying out loud, much less to another person.

Never mind the people who issue death threats because someone said something they didn’t like. I read an article the other day about a screenwriter who anticipated getting death threats for his latest movie. Who the hell do people think they are? Why does everyone believe they can impose their wishes on another person? It’s a concept that comes up a lot here in the U.S. Everyone thinks they are right and that what they want is for the greater good.

As a kid, I was bullied. I think it’s safe to say that most people have been in one way or another. I have always been different. I have had metaphysical abilities from my first breath. Then I went to schools where I was a minority and from a financially challenged family. I learned early on through various situations that it was in my best interest to sit down, shut up, and make myself as invisible as possible. That was tough to do as a kid. As an adult, it’s impossible.

Though I have learned not to give a rat’s patoot about what people think of me, it’s always in the back of my mind and comes into play when I’m in a situation where safety might be an issue. As much as I want to dismiss people’s thoughts and feelings about me, it still makes me wonder what I did or said to warrant that level of disrespect. What is it about me that makes it so easy for them to hate or disregard me?

Then I remember that it has nothing to do with me. What they hate is a reflection of themselves. Something inside them is so broken that they don’t know what to do with it. Someone else comes along that resonates with the shattered pieces so much that the feelings they have turn outward toward others. Instead of working to bring the pieces back together, the easier thing to do is take those feelings out on someone else.

What’s strange about all this is that we are all “different.” Put a white guy in the middle of a predominantly black community, and he would stand out. The opposite is true as well. Often someone who is gay finds themselves in a primarily straight community. He couldn’t hide if he tried. Anytime you venture out of “your lane,” you will be different. Yet not being like everyone else is what we want.

Walk down the street and see how many people you see with blue hair or outrageously colored fingernails. Why do they do it? Because they want to stand out. They want to be different. Isn’t it strange that the thing we encourage people not to be is the very thing we most want to be? And if we choose not to be that, it’s because of fear?

All this rambling has brought me back to the point of me and persecution. What it comes down to is fear. I’ve been targeted for being different. I don’t like it. No one does. I finally feel comfortable only showing what I can do under certain circumstances. If I throw it out there for anyone to see, I open myself up to the possibility that some yahoo who hates themselves will take it out on me. Chalk that up to my whirling stack of knives that is “what if” analysis and my “glass half empty” thinking.

I soon realized that I have beliefs that tell me success is dangerous for me, and it all stems from the fear of persecution. Part of it could be from this life, and some could be past life or fear passed down from my ancestors. To become a success by my definition of success, I will have to delve into all of the above to ferret out the base of the beliefs to uproot them and plant something better. I encourage you to do a belief check yourself to see where you stand on this issue. Persecution is a thing of the past, and it’s up to us to make sure it stays there.